Wednesday, October 11, 2006

polygyny 101

subhanAllah, since polygyny has become a reality in my life, i have come across numerous comments, verbal and written, seeking to define polygyny in Islam, its limitations and condtions. alhamdulillah, much of the information i have come across has been correct; however in the midst of such truth there has also been a great deal of falsehood. i have decided that being that my blog's focus is polygyny and insha'Allah i seek to shed a truthful light on this blessed part of Islam, i wanted to tackle some of the misconceptions about what polygyny in Islam is and isn't. insha'Allah everything that follows will be accompanied by proof from the Qur'aan and Sunnah.

First: the aayah in the Qur'aan that establishes polygyny as a part of Islam

"And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four." ~Surat an-Nisaa'(4):3

Tafseer Ibn Katheer:The Permission to Marry Four Women

Allaah's statement "two or three, or four" means, marry as many women as you like, other than the orphan girls, two, three or four. We should mention that Allaah's statement in another aayah,

"Who made the angels messengers with wings, - two or three or four" (35:1),

does not mean that other angels do not have more than four wings, as there are proofs that some angels do have more wings. Yet, men are prohibited from marrying more than four wives, as the aayah decrees, since the aayah specifies what men are allowed of wives, as Ibn 'Abbaas and the majority of scholars stated. If it were allowed for them to have more than four wives, the aayah would have mentioned it.

Imaam Ahmad recorded that Saalim said that his father said that Gheelan bin Salamah Ath-Thaqafi had ten wives when he became Muslim, and the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam said to him, "Choose any four of them (and divorce the rest)." During the reign of ^Umar, Gheelan divorced his remaining wives and divided his money between his children. When ^Umar heard news of this, he said to Gheelan, "I think that the devil has conveyed to your heart the news of your imminent death, from what the devil hears during his eavesdropping. It may as well be that you will not remain alive but for a little longer. By Allaah! You will take back your wives and your money, or I will take possession of this all and will order that your grave be stoned as is the case with the grave of Abu Righak (from Thamuud, who was saved from their fate because he was in the Sacred Area. But, when he left it, he was tormented like they were)." Ash-Shaafi^ee, At-Tirmidhi, Ibn Maajah, Ad-Daaraqutni and Al-Bayhaqi collected this Hadeeth up to the Prophet's statement, "Choose any four of them." Only Ahmad collected the full version of this Hadeeth.

Therefore, had it been allowed for men to marry more than four women at the same time, the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam would have allowed Gheelan to keep more than four of his wives since they all embraced Islaam with him. When the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam commanded him to keep just four of them and divorce the rest, this indicated that men are not allowed to keep more than four wives at a time under any circumstances. If this is the case concerning those who already had more than four wives upon embracing Islaam, then this ruling applies even more so to marrying more than four.

My Note: It is clear from the above tafseer of the classical mufassireen Ibn Katheer that the proof for polygyny being a part of Islam is established in Aayah 3 of Suraat an-Nisaa'. In addition, this aayah establishes the limit of four wives, a limitation that was not in place prior to Islam as is evident from the Hadeeth of Gheelan bin Salamah Ath-Thaqafi who had ten wives prior to Islam and, upon the revelation of this aayah, was instructed by the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam, to divorce six of his wives and retain four. The hadeeth of Gheelan bin Salamah is also proof against those who claim that the Prophet sallallahu ^alahyi wa sallam favored monogamy or that Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala declared monogamy to be better than polygyny, for if this was so, then surely the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam would have advised Gheelan to divorce nine of his wives and retain only one and surely when ^Umar radee Allahu ^anhu heard that Gheelan had divorced the remaining four of his wives, he (^Umar) radee Allahu ^anhu would not have have advised Gheelan to remarry all four.

Second:
the two aayat dealing with the issue of justice between multiple wives

"But if you fear that you will not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or what your right hands possess." ~Suurat an-Nisaa'(4):3

Tafseer Ibn Katheer:
Marrying Only One Wife When One Fears He Might not Do Justice to His Wives

Allaahs' statement,

"But if you fear that you will not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or what your right hands possess."

The aayah commands, if you fear that you will not be able to do justice between your wives by marrying more than one, then marry only one wife, or satisfy yourself with only female captives, for it is not obligatory to treat them equally, rather it is recommended. So if one does so, that is good, and if not, there is no harm on him. In another aayah, Allaah said,

"You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even it is your ardent desire (4:129)." Allah said,

"That is nearer to prevent you from Ta^uuluu,"


meaning, from doing injustice. Ibn Abi Haatim, Ibn Marduwyah and Abu Haatim Ibn Hibbaan, in his Saheeh, recorded that ^Aa'ishah said that, the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam said that the aayah, "That is nearer to prevent you from Ta^uuluu," means, from doing injustice. However, Ibn Abi Haatim said that his father said that this Hadeeth to the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam is a mistake, for it should be attributed to ^Aa'ishah not the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam.

My Note: Allaah subhanahu wa ta^ala reveals things in their order of preference and importance. For example, regarding zakaat, Allaah states,

"As-Sadaqaat (i.e. Zakaah) are only for the Fuqaraa', and Al-Masaakeen, and those employed to collect the funds; and to attract the hearts of those who have been inclined (towards Islaam); and to free the captives; and for those in debt; and for Allaah's cause, and for Ibn As-Sabeel; a duty imposed by Allaah. And Allaah is All-Knower, All-Wise." ~Suurat at-Tawbah(9):60


In Tafseer Ibn Katheer, it is stated "Allaah mentioned the expenditures of Zakaah in this aayah, starting with the Fuqaraa' (the poor) because they have more need than the other categories, since their need is pressing and precarious." Also, many of the classical scholars have commented on this aayah that the categories of people worthy of zakaah are mentioned according to importance, with the most important being the first mentioned (i.e. the Fuqaraa') and descending in importance and priority accordingly.

That being said, the same is true with regards to the aayah about polygyny. Again, just to refresh the reader's memory, Allaah subhanahu wa ta^ala states in Suurat an-Nisaa'(4):3,

"But if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one ..."

i have bolded the "but" and the "then" to make a grammatical point. but first, clearly Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala mentions polygyny first in the aayah before metnioning monogamy. this is clear. secondly, Allah subhhanahu wa ta^ala mentions monogamy as conditonal upon one fearing he will not be able to do justice. He states that if one fears not being able to deal justly with more than one, then one should marry only one. the word "then" implies that what comes after it is secondary upon the conditions that are mentioned before it. this point is very important, for often in the discussion about polygyny people start off with making the point that polygyny is conditional upon the man being able to be just, insinuating that monogamy is of priority and polygyny is secondary. however, if one were to truly look at the aayah they would see that in fact, Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala mentions polygyny first and then specifies that monogamy is conditional upon one fearing he cannot be just.

Regarding the aayah, "You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire (4:129)," in Tafseer ibn Katheer it states,

"(it) means, O people! You will never be able to be perfectly just between wives in every respect. Even when one divides the nights justly between wives, there will still be various degrees concerning love, desire and sexual intimacy, as Ibn ^Abbaas, ^Ubaydah As-Salmaani, Mujaahid, Al-Hasan Al-Basri and Ad-Dahhaak bin Muzaahim stated.

"Imaam Ahmad and the collectors of the Sunan recorded that ^Aa'ishah said, "The Messenger of Allaah sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam used to treat his wives equally and proclaim,

'O Allaah! This is my division in what I own, so do not blame me for what You own and I do not own,'

referring to his heart. This was the wording that Abu Daawud collected, and its chain of naarators is Saheeh."

My Note: So, from the above it becomes clear that when Allaah subhanahu wa ta^ala enjoins the Believing men to treat multiple wives equally, what is meant by equality is in the division of nights, maintenance and those things which one has control over, but that insha'Allah he is excused from those things one does not have control over such as love, desire, and sexual intimacy.

also, this clears up any misconceptions that there are contradictions in the Qur'aan being that in Suraat an-Nisaa' Allaah enjoins the Believing men to be just to multiple wives and then later states that they will never be able to do perfect justice. the first aayah is referring to those things which one has control over and the second is referring to those things which one does not have control over.

Also, take note that while each wife is entitled to equality when it comes to maintenance and nights, a woman can also choose to forego these rights and there will be no sin on the man. one example we have is that of Sawdah bint Zam'a radee Allahu anhaa who gave up her night to ^Aa'ishah radee Allahu anhaa.

Third: Regarding the notion that polygyny is only permissible during times of war, marriage to widows or if one's wife cannot have children, there is no authentic proof from the Qur'aan or the Sunnah that supports this claim. Quite the contrary, we find that in the example of Rasulullah sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam, who was th best of examples, that amongst his wives were those who were widows and those who were not, those who were married as a consequence of war and those who were not. There is no indication that the Prophet married again due to his current wives not being able to have children. Nowhere in the Qur'aan does Allah set the condition that a Believing man can only have more than one wife in instances of war, marrying of widows, or a current wife's infertility. So, while the above-mentioned scenarios are conditions in which polygyny is beneficial and might be practiced, they by no means are the ONLY conditions in which polygyny can take place.

in closing, insha'Allah i pray that this post has clarified some of the most common misunderstandings regarding polygyny in Islam. and i pray insha'Allah that Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala accepts this from me as an extension of my worship of and submission to Him and forgives me my shortcomings. all that i have said that is correct and true is from Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala. the mistakes are only my own.

14 Comments:

At 1:04 PM, Blogger Seeker of the truth said...

Assalamu'alaikum sister,

I just wanted to give you the literal translation of (4:3):

Transliteration: Wa-in khiftum alla tuqsitoo fee alyatama fainkihoo ma taba lakum mina alnnisa-i mathna wathulatha warubaAAa fa-in khiftum alla taAAdiloo fawahidatan aw ma malakat aymanukum thalika adna alla taAAooloo

Literal: And if you feared that you not be just/equitable in the orphans (male & female) , so marry what (was) allowed/permitted for you from the women two twos/twos, and threes, and fours, so if you feared that you not be just/equitable, so (marry) one or what your rights owned/possessed, that (is) nearer that you not side away from justice.

Wassalam

P.S. Words in parentheses not included in actual verse.

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger mizazeez said...

jazaki Allahu khair sister seeker of the truth wassalaamu ^alayki wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

 
At 6:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jazakillahu Khyr. Enjoyed the post.

 
At 3:57 AM, Blogger Safa said...

My hubby quoted this summer, "You'll never be able to be just between them" and cited it as his inability to give me fair time. He said, that he can't and even if he tried, that he may be unable. And used this quote as a means of defense. I have heard this before....and told him that it was about the prophet, saw loving Aisha more than the other wives...the allowance for more love for one wife to another. And that being fair as to time, money and means is something that is encumbant on him from Allah. Basically, that his excuse does not apply. Did I make a mistake with what I thought??

 
At 6:34 AM, Blogger mizazeez said...

your hubby's tafseer of that aayah is incorrect. as i mentioned in the post, this aayah is regarding things such as love, sexual intimacy and the like, but as regards the splitting up of nights and maintenance, a husband is obliged to be "just" in this respect. now, one discussion i was having with my hubby and something that i have read as well is that "equality" and "justice" does not mean that if one wife has a BMW, the other wife has to get a BMW or if one wife has a villa, the other one has to have a villa. he said that "equality" means that everyone gets what they need according to the norms of the society in which they live. so, if one wife has an apartment and it meets her needs (not wants my lovelies, that's something completely different) and the other has a villa and that meets her needs than that's fine. the fact is they both have shelter of some sort. also, if one has a car but the other one doesn't yet she is able to get around without a car, for instance if she lives in a city with an efficient mass transit system, than this suffices and he is not being unjust. basically, it's not always tit-for-tat. i wanted to point this out because a lot of sisters get REALLY technical and, in some instances they are correct and their rights are really being abused, but in other instances they are just trying to make it difficult for their husband because they are unhappy with the situation.

sooooo...with all of that being said, the fact that you live in a separate country from your hubby and it's not highly convenient to just hop on a plane and come over whenever he likes (unless ya'll got it like that which i'm assuming you don't) as well as the fact that it seems that his main source of income is in canada and so staying in egypt away from his business for months on end would affect his pockets and thus his ability to maintain and sustain his family, your situation might warrant a little tilt on the time scale. Allahu ^alim. i mean, these are things that of course if you would have known from the beginning of him taking another wife that you would have been able to discuss and hash out. it might have even been something that you could have added in your marriage contract as some type of stipulation. masha'Allah. the fact is that even before he took on another wife you moved to egypt and made the sacrifice of having limited time with him (shared or not). i know that now that you know that his time away from you is no longer being spent alone that that sacrifice doesn't seem as worth taking. it's just a sticky situation. i know i probably haven't answered your question; i'm just ranting. sorry. i'll shut up now.

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger UmmAbdurRahman said...

salamu alaikum

i just thought to add that while it is nice that you are trying to show that polygamy is the preferred in islam i have to say that i disagree.

we must always look to the example of the messenger of allah. yes he had many wives mashaallah, but we also have to see that he spent most of his life after the messages was received in a monogamous relationship. he did not marry again until after khadijah died and most of his marriages had political reasons behind them such as unifying tribes or groups of people.

i understand that polygamy is hard for us women and most women on these blogs are STRUGGLING big time. I dont think it's really helpful to go around telling people basically that allah ordered the men to marry many women. statistically in the world men and women are 50/50. some countries have a male majority and a very few have a female majority.

I would like to see more men marrying divorced or widowed women and stop trying to marry up all the young virgins and leaving none for the young twenty something bros to marry.

hmm well i think i said too much but i hope this wasnt offensive just my initial reaction to the post.

 
At 7:51 AM, Blogger musulmana said...

Assalamu Aleikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuhu,

Dear sister I would like to say something regarding this quote in your post (and I think I have mentioned it in the past as well):

"Also, take note that while each wife is entitled to equality when it comes to maintenance and nights, a woman can also choose to forego these rights and there will be no sin on the man."

One of the reasons I reverted to Islam was BECAUSE Allah (SWT) gives women rights. Forgoing the rights that Allah (SWT) gave me is the last thing on my list of to-dos.

I wear the hijab and jilbab and have basically shut out a lot of career choices for myself becuase of my high moral standards. Although I didn ot study teaching, I ended up teaching at the Islamic school.

I love to do dawah and ALhamdulillah my parents and my only sibling have reverted to Islam. I doubt that either my mother or my sister would love Islam so much if my husband had been less than a role model to them. They respect him greatly as do I. So I pray insha'Allah that Allah(SWT) rewards him highly in this life nad the herafter.

People make choices. My husband makes choices everyday. So do I. So do we all. Not only will Allah (SWT) judge people for their choices, but humans judge each other for their choices too.

If my husband had wanted another wife, he would in essence have to divorce me becuase it was a point of contention for me before we married many eyars ago. He assured me that that is not what he wanted in regards to family life and so we were both on the same page. Had he wanted a different life for himself, I would have gone on my way (culturally, I changed almost everthing when I reverted, but this I could not deal with me for myself)and he would have gone his, no resentments. I would have missed out on having him for a husband, but he would have missed out on me. But it was written and I thank Allah (SWT) for it.

I have argued in the past in favor of polygyny. I believe it depends on the person, the situation, and the intention. And to each his own. Allah (SWT) made the earth far and wide and we all have different preferences and toelrance levels and with all of these things comes different blessings.

I pray that Allah(SWT) keeps and increases me in iman everyday and that his tests won't overwhelm me. Everyday struggles can sometimes be trying for believers.

If my husband made my life sad and miserable, I would opt for a halal way out. I wouldn't do haram, insha'Allah. But I would probably have a hard time giving up my rights to increase my husband's "rights" which are not wajib.

As you know, I read the blogs that PagesofImagination links to becuase she is a personal friend and I have struggled through the past couple of years to understand her, her situation, and truly be accepting of her choice. In the past, I proabably would have avoided her altogether once I found out. I fel that is not only unecessary, but not in the true spirit of Islam.

SO basically, if you are in a polygynous relationship and it works for you, ALhmadulillah. NO sister wants to see another hurt.

But even if you were in a bad monogamous relationship, it would still hurt and it would still not be a good example of Islam. The world is full of bad monogamous relationships as well, so I am not comparing the two. I always just hope that the sisters would be able to "dwell in tranquility" with whomever spouse they chose.

I hope insha'Allah that the last days and nights of Ramadan will be a blessing and a mercy for all the sisters (and brothers).

your sister in Islam

 
At 8:29 AM, Blogger mizazeez said...

masha'Allah sister musulmana. alhamdulillah for the rights that islam has given women. and in no way am i encouraging Muslimaat to give up their rights. i was merely stating that they have the OPTION do so, and this option is also their right. if it came off that i was saying that they absolutley most definitely should give up their rights, i am making it clear now that this is not what i was saying.

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger Safa said...

a little tilt on the time scale in anti-wife's favour? Hmmmmmm......I see that as already being the case. It's just sad that she gets that...when he has 4 kids here, who are no longer supportive of the situation. Before they always praisd their father for his sacrifices and managed without seeing him. Now they blame her for his not coming and think that he doesn't really care anymore. Except for hisself, that is. But yes, you make a point....whoever is the canada wife gets the balance of time.....maybe I should ask to switch places??

 
At 11:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As Salaamu Alaikum sisters,

mashaa Allah I want to commend your efforts to spread the beauties of polygyny, al hamdulillah you see its beauty and Allah has blessed you with that in your life, and blessed your husband to make you feel as good as you sound in it. May Allah reward you and your family for all your good.
Ameen!

With that said I have been in polygyny for nearly the past 5 years of my life, I have lived in the same home as my cowife, I have lived in seperate states from my cowife, I have Went from his first wife, to his second wife. Having left for a short time but returned due to my love for my husband and the rights of my children. Having said that, I would like to say that I agreed with some of what you had to say, and I disagreed with some of what you have had to say wal hamdulillah either way we are sisters in Islam and I love you feesiblillah.

Regarding the ayah of marry 2,3, or 4 and if you cannot deal justly than only 1 (Paraphrased). I do agree the sentiment that it was advised to marry more BUT the reality is that sadly while I do not see Islam to be a religion for seperate times, I do not feel that Muslims are practicing Islam to the level of even that last group of Sahaba sadly subhanaa Allah, I do not feel most of our men unfortunately are able to deal justly for themselves, let alone many lives (wives and children). I have seen a ratio of shall we say 30 unsuccessful polygynous marriages to 2 successful marriages. This is a very bad ratio sister, do you not agree?

Many non muslim family members have seen some of the worse dawah ever in watching their daughters go through major levels of pain, oppression, depression and the likes due to the handlings of their husbands actions. This is a very bad thing. Maybe we could make a pact to try to reach the imams to commit to teaching the correct actions of polygyny before marrying brothers into it, for both the husband and the wife. Something has to give.

At this point I do not feel that polygyny has been a successful thing for Muslims in this day and age, not because it is not for us as Muslims, but rather that us as Muslims are not putting the correct effort and consistency in our Islam.

A factor you spoke on was that the women have the right to give up their rights to maintenance, this bothers me on many levels. One I will say Fabi'e Allahir Rabikuma tukathiban (paraphrased transliteration) For which of the favors of your Lord do you deny. This stands out to me very strongly. Where does a sister get off removing herself from the right in which Allah gave to her. This for me as well as the sister above said was one of the most beautiful aspects of Islam upon my shahada. Another thing I found important is that we remind our husbands that while a sister may make this claim in the beginning, that she has every right to take back her right to maintenance, and upon doing so it is his obligation to oblige. So in marrying a sister who makes this claim they need to be prepared financially that if at any point she chooses this right back, falls ill, loses everything she has that he will have no other option but to take that responsibility on. I have seen this become a destruction for families.

I have many thoughts, many mixed feelings and FAR too much history in polygyny, I have had good, I have had beyond bad, if Allah ever took what I have from me, and made me have to choose another husband (May Allah forbid, Ameen!) I do not feel I would ever ever put myself back in this situation. Not that my husband does not try, nor that my cowife is a bad sister, she is a very kind sister, and he is a good and loving husband in many ways. I do not feel I would EVER put my children through the hardships they have had to endure behind it. I would not want to endure the hardships financially and emotionally that I have had to experience or have brought upon myself again.

Do I feel that no one can do it, or should do it? NO, not in the least bit, I think that much good can come from it, I have experienced a lot of good in it, it has helped me to grow, and find just how strong I can be. I just make duaa for all Muslims faced with this both Brothers and Sisters, that they can be successful, that they fear Allah in all that they do, and that they work very hard to get through things, in a kind and just manner, and that if they come to see that they cannot handle it be it emotionally or whatever that they get the help they need, if that does not help that they exercise all means to rectify their affairs with Allahs help, and if not let one another go in kindness, and not stay in a position where they begin to oppress or be oppressed as we are to seek refuge with Allah from the oppression of others and ourselves.

With that said I will shut up now, I did not mean to write such a long post I just wanted to express my thoughts, and to also thank you for allowing us to be able to do so.

 
At 7:24 AM, Blogger mizazeez said...

wa 'alaykum assalaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh ukhti,

jazaki Allahu khair for sharing your thoughts. they are much appreciated. just to clarify a few things if i may insha'Allah:

when i pointed out the fact that a woman may give up some of her rights, i wasn't encouraging or discouraging her to do so. i was merely stating a fact, which i supported with the example of one of our Mothers, Sawda bint Zama'a radee Allahu anhaa giving up her night to 'Aa'ishah. in addition, we know that Khadiyjah radee Allahu anhaa supported Rasulullah sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam for much of their marital life being that she was much wealthier than him. even though Khadiyjah and Muhammad's marriage was not a polygynous one, nonetheless, she still had the right to be financially maintained but chose to forego that due to her not being in need of it. and there are other examples and the 'ulamaa have commented on this and confirmed its permissibility. wa Allahu 'alim. so, whether or not it sits well with us or we would do it is really irrelevant to the point that i was trying to make which was simply that it is permissible. likewise, as you stated, a woman is also able to demand the rights that she may have initially foregone at a later date due to some change in circumstance or choice and the man is obliged to comply. however, if he cannot, like if a sister marries a brother knowing that he cannot financially provide for her and at the time she is not in need of that and so chooses to forego this right but then later chooses to exercise it and the brother is still unable, then this would be a grounds for divorce or the wife could bear it patiently, and with Allah lies true success. Ameen.

as far as the age old adage that the "majority" of polygynous marriages within the Ummah are unsuccessful in some way shap or form, honestly ukhti, Allah knows best. everybody can only speak from what they know and i can say that so far that MAJORITY of polygynous marriages that I KNOW are successful walhamdulillah, and it is not a small number. but really getting into numbers and all of this i think is dangerous because it can cause Muslims to legitimize that polygyny should not be practiced at all because look, the "majority" are failing. and this is a false statement and outlook and may Allah guide us in all of our affairs. Ameen. i know you weren't saying this, i am just making a general statement. and shouldn't abandon polygyny based on the fact that some people (whether many or few) are failing in its practice, just like we should not abandon marriage in general just because some people (many or few) are failing in its practice. also, in defense of my brothers, the "failure" of polygyny is not always due to the brother not doing his part, but rather to the wives causing discord and hardship within the situation, may Allah protect us from this and guide us aright. Ameen.

as far as brothers being counseled before pursuing a polygynous marriage in order to address the "problem" we have in our Ummah, again, brothers aren't the only ones that need to be counseled. all parties involved need to be counseled, because wallaahi, while i have no doubt that there are brothers out there who are exceeding the limits of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and His Hukm, sisters are not innocent either and have their own issues that need to be addressed as well.

that's my little response masha'Allah. and may Allah guide us all in our affairs. Ameen.

 
At 4:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

asalam alaikum sis
Ive enjoyed reading bits and pieces from your blog.
My husband is also looking to get married. Right now I'm just trying to learn as much as I can and also reading personal opinions to help me be more strong in dealing with this issue.

May Allah swt reward u for ur efforts and guide us all..ameen

 
At 5:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Assalaamu 'alaiykuum ya ukhti, I have a predicament and I do not have any where to turn. Could you please share some naseeha on surviving polygany in living in the same home with co-wife who is has an evil streak. Does evil things to the first wife behind husband's back and does not take care of the home or the children but husband says to second wife to stop complaining and to be patient. He doesn't see most things but walahi ta'ala there are serious sneaky shaytaanic things happening. Please help. Please keep in mind that second wife is only one cleaning home and cooking 95% of the time including taking care of husband (business, bills, etc.) and all children. Husband is wonderful for most part but I feel he is sadly confused on how to deal with women who are evil and chooses to just leave her be and treat her kindly no matter what. Intimacy and the like are still in place and for the most part the only action taken is speaking to her, but if she lies he just takes it and says leave in Allah 'awj hands. I need someone who is unbiased to please help me. I don't take my affairs outside of my home to protect my husbands honour (something the other wife has done for many years) so I can only speak to him to help me deal and he pushes me away saying it's nagging and complaining but if I don't speak to him where do I go for the naseeha, mental support, and security? Walahi I feel that I am losing my mind over this. It has brought me great anxiety and I look to him for support but he says that it brings him down and he cannot take care of the family if i'm always bringing him down so I can't even look to him for support anymore. Please help.

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger mizazeez said...

Wa 'Alaykum Assalaam wa Rahmatullaah. Ukhtee, firstly, may Allaahu subhaanahu wa ta'aalaa make things easy upon you and guide you to that which is best. Aameen. Can you email me off blogger inshaaAllaah, so that I can respond to you privately? My email is aneesa824@yahoo.com. Also, I am the moderator for a Yahoo Group, PolygynyPetals and I would be more than happy to send in your quest for naseehah to the group anonymously. No one would know who you are as I would send it under my name and email. But inshaaAllaah, first email me and then we can talk from there. Again, it's aneesa824@yahoo.com. I look forward to hearing from you bi'idhnillaah.

 

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